To Be and Not to Do

After I decided that I didn’t want to remain stuck in the same place in which I had metaphorically woken up and found myself, I came to understand two very important things, and there was a significant tension between them.

I knew I needed to move forward, but I didn’t know exactly what direction to start, so I felt stuck. I knew I needed to make some decisions, but I felt paralyzed in fear of making the wrong ones.

Also, I knew that I needed to be kinder to myself, to give myself the time I needed to regain some of my mental and emotional strength before making any big decisions, but I felt so much pain in that place that I was impatient to get on with it.

I spent a fair amount of time talking to myself about it both with my counselor and then, later, in my journal. (If you don’t have a journaling practice, I highly recommend starting one. It helped me to make sense of the swirling thoughts and emotions that felt like they would swamp me, and it helped me to process what I was learning along the way. As I put words to paper, I sometimes realized that what I truly believed was something totally different from what I claimed to believe. It was an eye-opening experience. If you want to write online with anonymity and accountability, try 750Words.com. You can get a thirty-day free trial, and if you like it, subscribe for five dollars a month.)

Reading was also a critical component of my recovery. I read every book I could beg, borrow, or steal. (Just kidding!) Since the first thing I was able to move on in my life was extricating myself from an emotionally destructive marriage, I read Leslie Vernick’s books on the subject, books about controlling people, and books about setting healthy personal boundaries. I took great comfort from the Psalms and from Sarah Young’s devotional book, “Jesus Calling”.

I started taking daily walks in the neighborhood, just to clear my head, and as I did, I talked to God. Sometimes I spoke to him in anger, sometimes in gratitude. I just showed up, getting real with him, and told him what I was thinking and feeling. As I did that, I felt his presence more than I ever had before, and that encouraged me to continue my walking prayers.

The more space and grace I gave myself, the more I discovered of what I wanted and needed. I was learning how to “be,” and not just how to “do”.

“I think a lot of contemplation happens in bathtubs. It does for me. Nothing like a hot bath to ease the tension and think about what’s going to happen next.”

Sarah McLachlan

“Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations, the latter (like the river banks) forcing the spontaneity into the various forms which are essential to the work of art or poem.”

Rollo May

“To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what’s right for me? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve problems for you.”

Byron Katie

“The tension between what is, and what we dream of, is important. Not to discount what we have, but to hold onto that middle ground, because it’s in there that the magic happens.”

Susan Branch

“We exhaust ourselves more from the tension and the consequences of internal disharmony than from hard, unremitting work.”

Steven Covey